An instrument of my own heartache

As part of my overall intention to live a balanced life, I made it a goal this month to reach out, forgive, purge and let go of past grievances, mementos, and memories I’ve hung on to from my previous relationships. After all, it’s hard to keep moving forward when you’re still hanging on to pieces of the past. I initially decided to take on this project because I felt that to truly love my singlehood and embrace my independence, I needed to take the time to nurture my health, especially in mind and spirit, and address the angst, stress, and unhappiness I sometimes feel about the fact that I am single (dating is kind of scary).

I was perhaps a little naïve in how I thought I would react to the process of sifting through old letters and photos I’ve hung onto for years. I had hoped the process would be cathartic and in fact, I actually thought I would feel indifferent to the inanimate objects I clung to. I figured enough time had passed that I would almost feel a sense of nostalgia going through everything, but I was wrong. I actually feel like I opened up old wounds and I ended up making myself cry – a lot. For a moment, I truly felt the unhappiness of my happiness project and that by deciding to dig deep I was the very instrument of my own heart ache.

It’s very easy to stick something on a shelf or in a file cabinet and forget about its existence. I should know. I’ve operated on an out of sight, out of mind mindset for years now. All I can say is it only delays the inevitable. At some point, you need to sit with whatever it is you feel and truly feel it. In this instance, I felt the anger and the hurt but I also felt the love. And by letting myself feel the love I had for them, I also began to accept it. There is an exact moment in my emotional break down where I admitted that if I were honest with myself, I would say I sometimes miss these people and that sometimes I still want them. Each of these people have shaped me in remarkably positive ways and while I appreciate their existence in my life I am ultimately grateful to them for their exit from it. Because, as Liz told me, “Sometimes you have to think beyond what you want and start considering what you deserve.”



Filed under goals, letting go, love, personal growth, singlehood, unhappiness

2 responses to “An instrument of my own heartache

  1. Momma

    I do feel your pain young lady. Every time you have a relationship that does not work out for the best, I feel pain for you knowing that you have felt heartache and even despair along the way. However, I am proud that you are letting go of the past including boyfriends who you really don’t deserve. I agree that each relationship helps us understand what we want and what we don’t want. Those young men who have been in your life have helped shape you into even a better person. Personally, I could kick a couple of asses but that’s the Momma coming out in me. I know that with time, when you least expect it, you will meet the right someone in your life that I’ll be happy to call my son as well. We cannot forget our pasts but can forgive those who have hurt us along the way. I am proud that you’re going through your life journey with your eyes wide open. What an exciting adventure!

  2. Pingback: Snow days –> self-love days | Life After School

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